Monday, December 30, 2002

Home again, Home again, Jiggity Jig.

Well, I'm back and swirling with emotions about as cohesive as oil and vinegar. On the one hand I am happy to be back to a slightly colder climate, my own bed, and my husband and on the other hand I am already missing my Mom and Dad. The brief time of visiting was not nearly long enough to sate my desire for familial bonding. Unfortunately neither did I have enough time to simply "be." My dad and I did not get to watch old movies. My mother and I did not get to wander the antique stores until our hearts were content and our wallets were empty. With the hustle and bustle of getting everything ready for Christmas there was very little time to sit leisurely and drink a cup of coffee and simply enjoy each other's company.

However, I am thankful for the time my brother and I spent at dinner one evening having a long discussion about our own dysfunctional characteristics (relating to the aforementioned epiphany). As opposite in personality as, we are we discovered some very similar traits in how we deal with significant others in relationships, I with my husband and he with his now-ex-girlfriend. For me, at least, this answers some of my questions on the whole Nature V. Nurture debate. I was both disgusted with myself and yet somewhat relieved to know I was not alone in my dysfunction. So now the question is, how does one go about "fixing" everything? Although, I suppose the better question would be is it even possible for this leopard to change her spots?

Friday, December 20, 2002

Awake On My Airplane . . .

The Good News:

Well, it’s time to board the plane and head off to Arkansas to visit the family for Christmas. I am so excited; I feel like a child again. I have not been home since my grandfather’s funeral last January 7. I have only seen my parents two times in this year and both times were whirlwind visits, so no quality, bonding time. I cannot even begin to express how very much I miss them. Mother and I are planning on at least two days muddling through flea markets and antique stores for “found treasures.” Dad and I will watch old movies, probably an Abbott & Costello or something with Jack Lemon or Cary Grant (sigh!). Nine whole days… I can’t wait!

I am writing this with my eyelids at half-mast due to the fact I got a mere 2.5 hours of sleep last night. I was up so late packing and getting ready because my week has been so hectic I had not the time to do so before last night and I didn’t even get home until about 10:30 p.m. Phil laughs at me because I am so very anal about packing. I write everything down and then when I put it in the suitcase I mark it off my list. That is the only fail-safe method I have come up with for packing everything I need down to my dental floss.

The Bad News:

As with all things there is a flip side to all of this. I will be offline, more than likely, for the entire visit. My parents still have not figured out this whole “Internet” thing. My Dad has finally gotten it installed in his office and uses it occasionally but they do not have a computer at home. So, if I want to check mail or post I will have to do so at the office and I am a little weary of doing that because they don’t know about my blog. For that matter, they don’t even know what a weblog is.

So, essentially I will probably be computer-less and incommunicado for nine days. Shudder. Part of me likes the idea and another part of me feels as if I will be losing an appendage. However, I am sure there will be plenty of blogging material being bandied around by the fireplace so I if I cannot find a way to connect I will resume with a vengeance upon my return.

In the meantime, I wish you all a very, very, Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 19, 2002

I Need A Break

I'm listening to (don't laugh) Run by George Strait. GOD I love that song. It totally relaxes me and I would love someone to sing it to me... (hint) It's a nice slow song that makes me want to dance cheek-to-cheek with my beloved. It's peaceful and quiet and it's what I need most.

I am absolutely exhausted from trying to get everything ready for the holidays. This is the first Christmas without my grandfather and I'm actually quite sad about it. I can still see him sitting next to the fireplace, winking at me and asking "Little one, what did you ask for from Santa this year?" He was an amazing man. I went a little bit overboard on my grandmother's gift this year because I realized it might be her last and I wanted to make it special.

I'm still in my funk. I just want a couple of days where I don't have to talk to anyone, where I can just be quiet and reflect. When we moved into the new place we put the TV up in the loft and I am amazed at how much less I watch it now... and even more amazed at how much I don't miss it. I've been doing other things, reading, trying to unpack and all. I've also noticed how when it gets really quiet, you can actually hear the silence. I like it.

Ok, now I'm enjoying Moondance by Van Morrison. Amazing song. I'll leave you with it.

Well it's a marvelous night for a moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes

You know the night's magic
Seems to whisper and hush
And all the soft moonlight
Seems to shine in your blush...

Can I just have one a' more moondance with you, my love?
Can I just have one a' more moondance with you, my love?

Friday, December 13, 2002

Hmm..... Can't Think of a Good Title

Well, it's been a week. I have not had time to really give any thought to my blog for several reasons, one being all week long we have been getting the last of the junk out of the apartment and doing some cleaning. Due to the power outages we were not able to fully vacate until Wednesday of this week. I have tried to unpack some more boxes but am no where near finished. Tomorrow night is my husband's company Christmas party. We are attending and I had to finish getting my outfit together (AWESOME new sling-backs with black sparkly glitter and a sexy high heel! I ADORE shoes!) and a cool beaded sparkly black purse. Tonight we will be Christmas shopping for his Dad and Stepmom and her two sons since we are getting together with them on Sunday.

I love this time of the year normally and this year I have absolutely no Christmas spirit. I have not listened to any of my Christmas music, nor have I baked any of my traditional fares like pumpkin bread or chocolate pecan candy. I can't even find all my pots and pans yet. It doesn't "feel" like Christmas.It doesn't feel any different than any other time of the year.

Another reason is that I am experiencing quite a bit of inner turmoil regarding my epiphany and how best to tackle the subsequent revelations I have been having all week.

I suppose you could also say I'm also in the throes of a crisis-of-faith. I've come to a point in my life where I don't know what I believe anymore. All my life God, religion, faith, Christianity, morality, and ethics fit nicely and neatly into well-defined little boxes that made up the foundation for my beliefs. Well, while I wasn't looking someone stole my boxes and left the contents spilled out onto the floor all askew. Now, nothing fits anymore. Nothing seems as solid, or as defined as it once was. Everything in my life that was once held by an amazing foundation now seems fluid and ephemeral. The thing is have no idea what to do about it either. The thought of having to re-establish a foundation is well, exhausting. I know I cannot leave things the way they are but at this point I can't tackle the problem either.

I need rest. I need quiet. I need my foundation back.

My depression is back and I suppose I will need to medicate again. I just hate all the side effects associated with products used balance my chemistry. I can always tell when I am headed down because my taste in music changes. I alternate between moody/ introspective/ mellow to hard/ crunchy/ progressive/ angry/ and or alternative. Example: Bother by Stone Sour, anything by Joni Mitchell, Duncan Sheik, Tori Amos, and Tracy Chapman to Bush, Filter, Nickelback, Foo Fighters, Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, YES, and the theme song for my life right now is what I will leave you with. It completely epitomizes where I am.

HOOBASTANK "Crawling In The Dark"

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Monday, December 09, 2002


I had one this weekend. I had one that hurt more than I can remember hurting in recent, well, probably years. I have become the very thing I despise the most. I see it's poison seeping into my personality, my actions, my words, my thoughts, and my even my outlook.
I have no idea how to reverse this process and I can honestly say I hate myself for even allowing it to happen. God, help me.

Now, if that isn't enough fodder to send one into a tailspin of depression I don't know what will.
I Have The Power! (Alas, I Have No Cable)

Well, our power is back up and running but we have no cable so I cannot surf or blog. I have felt so out of place without being able to be connected to the world. I cannot imagine living in a time where there was no power, cable, internet, running water, grocery stores, newspapers, take-out chinese! Ugh!

Wednesday, December 04, 2002

Swimming In Boxes

We are all moved--well, except for the storage room which happens to contain all of our wedding presents. Our apartment didn't have enough room and as we were both a bit older we already had everything one needs to make a home. That being said however, I cannot wait to open all those boxes and see my china, crystal, and new dishes. They've been in storage over a year and a half. It will be like opening them up again for the first time since July of 2001.

The weather here calls for ice and snow with up to 3.5 to 4 inches. Unfortunately, since we are still all boxed up I have no idea where flashlights or candles are. I am sending P to the store to stock up before I get home. Maybe, I'll get to go home early and maybe with my new 30 mile commute I won't get stuck in the snow! (Yeah, right!) Well, at least if I am snowed in I can spend time unpacking! Woo Hoo.