Friday, December 13, 2002

Hmm..... Can't Think of a Good Title

Well, it's been a week. I have not had time to really give any thought to my blog for several reasons, one being all week long we have been getting the last of the junk out of the apartment and doing some cleaning. Due to the power outages we were not able to fully vacate until Wednesday of this week. I have tried to unpack some more boxes but am no where near finished. Tomorrow night is my husband's company Christmas party. We are attending and I had to finish getting my outfit together (AWESOME new sling-backs with black sparkly glitter and a sexy high heel! I ADORE shoes!) and a cool beaded sparkly black purse. Tonight we will be Christmas shopping for his Dad and Stepmom and her two sons since we are getting together with them on Sunday.

I love this time of the year normally and this year I have absolutely no Christmas spirit. I have not listened to any of my Christmas music, nor have I baked any of my traditional fares like pumpkin bread or chocolate pecan candy. I can't even find all my pots and pans yet. It doesn't "feel" like Christmas.It doesn't feel any different than any other time of the year.

Another reason is that I am experiencing quite a bit of inner turmoil regarding my epiphany and how best to tackle the subsequent revelations I have been having all week.

I suppose you could also say I'm also in the throes of a crisis-of-faith. I've come to a point in my life where I don't know what I believe anymore. All my life God, religion, faith, Christianity, morality, and ethics fit nicely and neatly into well-defined little boxes that made up the foundation for my beliefs. Well, while I wasn't looking someone stole my boxes and left the contents spilled out onto the floor all askew. Now, nothing fits anymore. Nothing seems as solid, or as defined as it once was. Everything in my life that was once held by an amazing foundation now seems fluid and ephemeral. The thing is have no idea what to do about it either. The thought of having to re-establish a foundation is well, exhausting. I know I cannot leave things the way they are but at this point I can't tackle the problem either.

I need rest. I need quiet. I need my foundation back.

My depression is back and I suppose I will need to medicate again. I just hate all the side effects associated with products used balance my chemistry. I can always tell when I am headed down because my taste in music changes. I alternate between moody/ introspective/ mellow to hard/ crunchy/ progressive/ angry/ and or alternative. Example: Bother by Stone Sour, anything by Joni Mitchell, Duncan Sheik, Tori Amos, and Tracy Chapman to Bush, Filter, Nickelback, Foo Fighters, Nirvana, Nine Inch Nails, YES, and the theme song for my life right now is what I will leave you with. It completely epitomizes where I am.

HOOBASTANK "Crawling In The Dark"

I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending
And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness
Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?
Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

So when and how will I know?
How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

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