Friday, March 21, 2003

The Bag Lady

I know I have not posted in a while and I apologize. I have a lot going on right now and some things are just too personal to put in a weblog. I am also one of those people who has to analyze everything--and I do mean everything. I also have to put it all together in my head before I can put it down on paper be it electronic or wood-based.

Hubby doesn't understand why I can't just talk about things to work through them. I have given it a lot of thought and I think it's because my Dad is an attorney. Growing up, whenever my brother or I had an issue we wanted to discuss we had to present our case so-to-speak. He would then point out the flawed logic or loopholes in our arguments. So, you had to make sure you had all your “ducks in a row” and the evidence to back up your position. You could not waver; you had to "say what you mean and mean what you say” or you would wind up back at square one.

I don’t know if it was a right or wrong way to go about raising kids but it has influenced my way of thinking today. I have to carefully look at a situation from all sides before I can act on it. I have a hard time talking about an issue because I feel like I will be judged if my opinion is not thoroughly formulated and I will look like a fool. As a result of my own self-imposed restraints I internalize a lot of the junk most people let go.

I am the bag lady—you know the one you see pushing her grocery cart up the sidewalk—who has collected little bits and pieces of, well, junk and traverses the city with it all in tow. I am an emotional bag lady. I carry around every thought, emotion, or feeling I have, events in my life I would like to forget, actions I have taken, and I place them in boxes. I label them, and put them on a shelf because I never know when I might need one later. Something I see today will trigger a memory from five years ago and I might need to go back, pull down that box, rifle through the contents and see how they affect where I am today.

Sometimes I am amazed at the quantity of boxes I have in my emotional closet. I would like to divest myself of rather a lot of them but I cannot. You see, instead of dealing with whatever the issue was, I chose to box it up and store it away. I thought by shutting the closet door I would achieve the “closure” I needed. I was rather mistaken. Consequently, I have an entire closet full of issues I never wrestled with. I need to give up these ghosts in order to move on with my life.

I went to the Doctor on Tuesday; he gave me some Zoloft. Today I found out that the secondary health insurance I carry covers 20 “mental health” visits a year. So, perhaps at the beginning of May, after about a month of the Zoloft and hopefully two visits to a psychologist I should be able update you on the progress of my spring closet cleaning.

Thursday, March 13, 2003


Found a new song—Headstrong by Trapt—it definitely describes me. I like the lyrics and it’s an angry little song—rather like me right now. You can download the MP3 at their site. It’s definitely worth a listen. Go check it out. Go on. Shoo!

My mood is a little better today. I go up and down and let me tell you I hate it. I absolutely abhor it. God what I wouldn’t give to be level all the time.

Wednesday, March 12, 2003

I hate hormones.

I am not happy.

My joy is mostly gone and I don’t know why.

I don’t even know what would make me happy at this point.

I don’t know why I don’t know either.

I don’t expect to be happy all the time.

I realize life is often a series of ups and downs.

By all rights, I should be blissful right about now.

However, I am not.

I used to think PMS was just a joke.

Now, I fully understand its grasp.

I think I’ll go eat some chocolate to boost my serotonin levels.

Thursday, March 06, 2003


I am feeling very blah today. As a matter of fact, I have been up and down and all around since we got back from Arkansas. Some days I simply cannot stop smiling. Other days I cannot find my smile at all. Some days I am motivated to take on and change the world. Other days, like today, I can barely find the energy to get out of bed. I don’t know why.

Perhaps it is because we haven't had sunny days in quite some time. Normally I love the rain and gray cloudy days but right now I could use a shot or two of sunshine. Perhaps it is because my hormones are running around staging a coup within my body and holding my internal level for a huge ransom of chocolate, which will in turn upset my already out of kilter waist-to-hip ratio. Perhaps it is because Hubby's grandfather is seriously ill and in the hospital. Hubby is spending a lot of time in the room and not getting enough sleep. I am truly worried for both of them.

Perhaps it is because I simply cannot make up my mind about what I want in life. I rather feel like I am standing at an intersection; I have four directions from which to choose. Which way will lead me to my ultimate destination? Which is the path of least resistance? Which is the road less traveled? Which direction is my true north? I feel like I am being pulled but at the moment but I am rather blinded and thus cannot tell which one is right for me.