Tuesday, October 28, 2003

Tranquility

It’s my kind of day today.

It brightly gray.

And the changing colors of the leaves seem more vibrant for being placed against a neutral background. Without the blue sky and pillowy-white clouds as competition the somewhat barren trees step into the foreground, their stark beauty unveiled. The gnarled limbs beckon us for comfort now that their progeny have fallen to the ground.

There is just enough wind so you feel its bite. There is just enough chill so you yearn for warmth. I long to crawl into the hollow at the base of the trunk and feel the peaceful, if cold, air brush the hair across my cheek.

Today I sat in the back of an empty conference room as dark and gray as the sky. I looked out one of the precious-few windows to see the American and South Carolina flags lapping their respective poles and the freshly planted pansies dipping their heads to avoid the falling rain. In the quiet I felt as though I were underwater surrounded by calm.

It’s my kind of day today.

It brightly gray.

Friday, October 24, 2003

Something else from the darker corners of my brain...

Perfectly framed
china-doll face.
Messy,
demeurely disgraced.
Black mascara,
trails.
Rouged lips,
swollen,
once pale.
Disasterous, beautiful
smeared
stained.
Completely abandoned
to pleasure
to pain.

Copyright 2003

Thursday, October 23, 2003

...Remembering...

...Can I still be the “Oreo cookie in the middle...”
...I think Pricilla Louise...
...If only I had known then...
...Little One, come taste this tomato right off the vine...
...You know, it usually takes a temperature variance of at least 15 degrees
or so to make my glasses fog up
...
...Puddin’ n’ tame...ask me again and I’ll tell you the same...
...This is a four-hour turn job...Yes, I’ll be back to get it soon...
...Redding? What kind of a name is Redding...
...Texas...that’s a long way away...
...Remember that commercial...the one about the Latter-Day Saints...
...I’ll call...
...Well I’m a rhine stone cow boy...
...The cow jumped over tha moon...
...Just like me, they long to be, close to you...
...I promise, this time won’t be like the last...
...This is not the land that was promised me...
...This is the “Lawyer” speaking, not your “Dad”...
...You and me against the world....
...Cancer...she only discovered it 45 days ago...funeral will be in Houston...
...It doesn’t matter how pretty your eyes are or how they’re made up,
if you’re not skinny no one will ever want to be with you anyway
...
...oh, it’s sad...when the right one comes along...
...Well, maybe you should be more like me, I never had any of those problems...
...Haunted house at the Ballpark? Yeah, it sounds like fun, just let me know...
...Just get up every day and will yourself to be happy...
...There’s no need to air your dirty laundry like...
...Time will tell...
...Don’t you worry now...everyone gets their “comeuppance” in the end...
...If you can tell me who is buried in Grant’s tomb I’ll...
...I’m not Pollyanna... I’ll never be Polyanna...
...Well, because I bought Eskimo Pies for everyone at the pool, Pappa...
...Of course, we’ll always be friends.... just like Beaches....
...Can we have pizza at Pisquallies and then go to Alvin’s Island...
...I just want to prepare you...you’ve got a pretty face but you’ll
never be the first one anyone notices because
...
...Yes, I’ll marry you...
...Congratulations, you’ve been accepted to Baylor University...
...It’s not just the Lone-Star State... It’s a way of life...
...Painfully peering, a perceptive perspective....a coming of age...
...No lights please...just crackers and Sprite...no dry heaves...
... J'ai un mal a la tête parce que je suis allergique aux préservatifs...
...Hindsight is always 20/20...
...Saddle pack, pack saddle, saddle pack, pack saddle...
...Who knew you could feel this hollow, this cold...
... It's not far down to paradise,
At least it's not for me
And if the wind is right you can sail away
And find tranquility
Oh the Candyce can do miracles
Just you wait and see
Believe me
Sailing
Takes me away
....


Tuesday, October 21, 2003

Happy Birthday To Me...

Today is the 10th anniversary of my 22nd birthday. For my gift my body decided to give me a hideously horrible migraine. My gift to my body was Lortab. Unfortunately my body has not been too receptive to it and thus I still have the headache. Fun. What a lovely day.

Monday, October 20, 2003

Autumn

Autumn is my favorite season and the leaves are just beginning to turn here in Charlotte. I love the array of colors even though at first they can be somewhat of a visual cacophony. However, when the air takes on a chill, the sun is shining down, and the wind begins to blow it becomes more of a symphony.

The orange leaves transform into the strings, the red morph into woodwinds, the purple meld into brass, and the yellow, the most common become percussion—the pulse. Driving, you see the predominance of gold and the ebb and flow of reds, oranges, purples and browns one into another along intermittent stretches of I-77. The leaves rustle together with a wonderfully soothing rhythm and I imagine Vivaldi’s Autumn as my long commute home mimics a coda at the end of the score.

Thursday, October 09, 2003

I'm still here. I've quite honestly been rather depressed and have obviously not posted in a while. I'm trying to sort through a lot of "schtuff" in my head right now and I always seem to "muddy up the waters" during this process. I have a lot to think about in regard to my life and I'm not myself anymore but I don't know who I am either. I feel like my life is just one rather long Existential crisis. I’m wondering if I’ll ever be norma and how many years of therapy it might take me to get therel?