Wednesday, August 14, 2002


God, help! (Yes, that’s a prayer) Here I sit, in front of this monitor—coffee in hand—trying my best to form coherent thoughts on well, the neurotransmitters sending and receiving signals in my brain, so in essence, my thoughts. I have a slightly (yes, I said slightly) obsessive personality and consequently I tend to obsess or as I like to call it, give great thought to various bits of information. Well, this time the information involves me. I had not planned on discussing it here because I wanted to keep it private but I just cannot quit thinking about it so if I get it out in on “paper” maybe I will be able to get on with my life.

I went to the “female” Doctor last week and during our conversation I mentioned something to do with my medical history. Well, as a result of that conversation she wants to run some tests and then more than likely I will need to have a biopsy. Because of this medical condition I have an increased risk of uterine cancer. I was fine for the first 24 hours. I think I was in shock then what she said really sunk in and I freaked out. I keep telling myself that it is nothing that I am fine that she is just being cautious. She is simply keeping my best interest in the forefront and wants to check things out. I have done research online, spoken with my Dr., but there are no “percentages” that will give me probabilities of getting this type of cancer. It has taken me by complete surprise. I mean, why the fuck didn’t some Dr. tell me about this connection years ago? Pardon my French. I am just rather scared and also upset.

Now comes the part where I get obsessive. I can’t get this out of my head. I keep thinking about every possible conclusion good or bad. I am even dreaming about it. No, make that I am having nightmares about it. When I think about the gravity of the situation I get numb. I am walking around in kind of a daze. The activities and duties of work have eluded me and I have just flat out forgotten to do the things I normally perform by rote. My brain is just not on work right now. I keep thinking about life and what it all means. Ten years ago I had it all figured out. I had a set of ideals an ideology and a theology I believed in 110%. Now, I don’t know what to think or believe.

I went to the movies by myself Monday night. I saw Signs (the Mel Gibson movie). There is this scene where the two main characters are talking about the horrific events that are taking place. Mel Gibson’s character says (my paraphrase) that when confronted with the bizarre unknown, and potentially dangerous, deadly, et cetera, people fall into two camps. One group sees the “signs” as pointing to a higher power confirmation of divinity. The other group sees everything in life as the “luck of the draw” left to chance or fate.

I have always fallen into the first camp. I always believed my life was in Gods hands and that everything that comes my way is filtered through him. I suppose I still do but I wonder--could it be that maybe life is just a combination of the two camps? I don’t quite know what I feel anymore. I still believe wholly in the Divine; that belief never faltered. I feel serenity, a calm under the stars, with my toes in the sand watching the ocean’s waves in the moonlight come to briefly kiss the shore and then pull away—teasing—like a lover. I feel God in that tranquility. When I look at the majesty of the mountains the glorious peaks and valleys, the lushness of the evergreens juxtaposed with the reds, yellows, and burnt oranges of the turning leaves in the fall—I know it was God who created such beauty. I see God in the haze of pinks, oranges, purples and yellows of what could only be described as a glorious sunset behind the mesas and buttes in the great southwest.

Confirmation of divinity not withstanding, what is this sign pointing to? I guess I will get another sign next Tuesday—hopefully it will be a good one.


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