Tuesday, June 29, 2004

My World

Clink-a, swoosh-a, clink-a, swoosh-a, my blinker and windshield wipers were in prefect sync. Something so simple should be nothing. But nothing is always something when nothing else in life can even begin to come that close to the harmony of blades and blinks I noticed while sitting in the rain and waiting to make a left-hand turn.

Amazing how those sounds can be both soothing and unnerving.

I’ve always been appreciative of the little things in life but lately my reality has been more and more defined by those seemingly innocuous moments of observation and understanding. Those moments where the proverbial light bulb comes on and there should be a distinct ‘ding’ to the accompanying soundtrack of my life.

Sometimes I feel this life, which is supposedly mine, is just out of reach. It’s actually on the other side of the windshield and I can see bits and pieces of it when the wipers come and swoosh the circumstances away long enough for me to get a glimpse at what I could be doing. I suppose it is he height of irony to be observing all of these things from the driver’s seat.

I think perhaps sometimes we coast so long we awake to find our lives on autopilot. The everyday becomes more mundane and the extraordinary no longer seems so. Perhaps I’ve turned inward in defense or self-preservation as I try to remember when was the last time I had complete control over my own life. Is it possible to sustain this detachment at length? What are the consequences of doing so?

I suppose you could say I’ve adopted the philosophy of “no expectations means no disappointments” but in attempting to level have I also disallowed pleasure-full and joyous moments from being?

I keep reliving certain childhood memories over and over in my head; it’s the last time I remember being truly happy. It’s also the last time I remember having a true sense of self.

Why is it when my world was the smallest and possibilities most assuredly finite I had the most secure sense of who I was and all I wanted was the infinite.


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